My heart is full

It has been a rough couple of weeks and the biggest lesson I've learned so far is to never underestimate silence. Sure it can be a true blessing, but it can also be your worst nightmare. Everyone back in the Netherlands says to me, 'oh what a blessing, you live in such a beautiful quiet and peaceful place.. I wish I could.'

Let me welcome you to the other side: reality. If you come from an environment where you're surrounded by people, pointless and shallow conversations, chaos, negativity and stress, moving to another country where stress is prohibited, where you have every single element to destress honestly didn't know what to do or where to start. My panic attacks came back, my irritable bowel syndrome was sucking all the life out of me. I couldn't control my breathing. I was really afraid. Is this how I'm going to feel the next few days, weeks, months? After I called one of my dearest friends, she made me realize that my body should be upset. It would be weird if it wasn't. Clearly, I'm going through some major changes so my body is going to feel the urge to adjust as well as my mind. Supposing this was part of my process, I let go and I felt optimistic again. The most beautiful thing was, when I stopped resisting, the pain went away.

After I told Gooitzen what I was feeling that week, he understood completely, because he has felt the same way not that long ago went he moved here. Having someone around with whom I can share these feelings and experience with is really nice. He can relate to so many things I'm going through which makes me feel heard and understood and loved. He's such a warm, empathic and kind hearted person.

The most difficult thing (for the both of us) is doing nothing. Taking time for ourselves. He almost forced me to relax and he still reminds me every day not to forget myself. Because it's the calmest and most quiet period of the year we should relax now because from April-October we'll be working 12 hours 7 days a week. We have the same goal and we're both really ambitious about making this work but we shouldn't be too eager for bookings. It will happen, when it happens.

I also spoke to my grandma that week, I poured my heart out to her, my anxiety level was off the chart. She told me: 'Dearest, I know it hurts to be alone, I know. The next few weeks are going to be the most difficult weeks of your life. But if you overcome this, you'll survive anything.' Instead of making me more scared I felt strong. I believed her. So I had a new goal, that suddenly became more realistic because a few weeks is a piece of cake. I'll survive a couple of weeks, even when there is nothing to do. Maybe I'll even allow myself to rest a little... and I did.

Gooitzen and me decided to plan 2 pilots for the retreats to gain the experience and feedback. A week before I went to pick up our first guests, we were so excited getting everything ready. This is what we want to do. This is what I came here for. This is it.

Last Friday I picked up Jane and Jane from the airport. I was so happy to see familiar faces. I was really looking forward to this moment, because Gooitzen and me were planning this for over 4 months. In the car on our way back to Pinnarp I realized I was really focused on the 'how' and 'when' part of the retreat. Are they going to like it? Is our planning realistic? Are they going to like the food? Are they going to like all the activities? Did we buy all the groceries? Did we leave enough space and time for the guests to unwind on their own? I was even already improving some elements in my mind which I questioned for the next week. When my mind was wandering I felt tensed again and realized I shouldn't do this. I should live in this moment to experience all of it.

The things that seemed so hard when we planned them; the schedule, the cooking, the cleaning, our attention towards the guests, the yoga, the activities.. actually went really fluently. I was completely astonished with how smooth everything went. I had such high expectations and I was so reluctant to do something that one thinks may be wrong. All yet all I had to do was just 'let everything be', and it went perfectly.

The next morning we did our first yoga practise together when I noticed something. I was really calm. I was really in the moment. Not thinking about what was planned after this exercise. After the practise Jane complimented me on my growth as a yogateacher. She remembered my practise as rushed when I was teaching in the Netherlands. I was much more at ease. It was maybe the best compliment I could ever receive, I thought to myself, I must have grown a lot this past year and I didn't even noticed until now.

The days that followed were amazing. Gooitzen and me work together like a well oiled machine. We don't even have to ask each other to do something, we notice everything, divide our attention towards the guests, who really start to feel at home here. They are making huge progress and they share all of it with us which makes us feel even more grateful. We went on a boat tour the other night when the silence suddenly hits me on a whole different level. I felt really emotional. I'm actually doing what I love to do. I felt tears of joy.

This morning after the guests had some time for their selves Jane told us she accomplished one of her main goals, creating acceptance and forgive her ex for all those years of hurt she felt by writing him a letter in which she basically told him, it's ok the way you acted. I know you did this because you loved me, and you knew no other way to show that to me. I don't judge you for it, I don't feel anger towards you and I thank you. She made incredible progress during the yoga practises, our walks, and had her breakthrough in the kayak of all places. She said she felt natures high kicking in, and just kept peddling. Forgot all of her pain, thoughts and worries. She's telling us this story with tears of gratitude in her eyes. She said: 'Thank you, for offering me this experience. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping getting me this far towards acceptance, peace and happiness. This is your calling. Keep helping people.' Tears ran over Gooitzens face. We cried our happy tears, and hugged each other. I can't even describe how it feels to have helped someone overcome these this pain and unresolved emotions.

I am here. Right now. Everything seems to come together, fall into place. It feels overwhelming. The more I live in this moment the more at ease I am with my mind and body. My heart is full.